I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize