He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
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