I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Randomize
