Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I'm getting married
To pizza
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
