So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
