I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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