you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
