I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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