Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
