He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
You're a waste of cheezeits
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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