Will you blow on my dice?
i think i have herpe
just one?
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
