I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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