you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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