Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
