I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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