sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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