I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Just pee around me
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
