I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
