I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize