I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
