pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
