There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
