How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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