omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
