He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
