Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
