I accidentally had phone sex last night
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
