You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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