Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
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