I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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