Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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