Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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