Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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