Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
