I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
