I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize