I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize