i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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