Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
