Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
