I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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