I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
