Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
