a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Randomize