why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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