i was rollin on her like bob the builder
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
