took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
be right there i have to get my cape
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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