If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Randomize
