There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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