There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
you will always have a special place in my vag
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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