Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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