shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
