my phone needs a breathalizer
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
