i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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