so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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