if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
